CLOSED $50 Free Contest | Best Jokes | $50 Prize to Win!

Posted:01.05.2016, 11:45

After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary...."

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. "

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Posted:02.05.2016, 22:34

This one is kinda long but funny to me.................

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese!

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught – worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob – stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful – and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh, they’re getting closer “

Posted:03.05.2016, 06:55

Visit to the Doctor

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Posted:03.05.2016, 10:32

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says, "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

**Moderator**

HAHAHHA! You guys are too funny!

This contest closes tomorrow!

Posted:04.05.2016, 15:02

Scared to Death

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband.

One day she found a beautiful lamp lying in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!

So, the woman thinks of a first wish...

"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...

"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.

"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.

"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"

Posted:04.05.2016, 15:05

On the Job

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"

Posted:04.05.2016, 21:12

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

Posted:05.05.2016, 03:21

One of my favorite jokes:

I was in a busy restaurant yesterday, when I suddenly realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, and a few cheek rattling bursts, I was feeling much better. It was at that moment, taking a sip of my coffee, that I noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Suddenly....... I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

**Moderator**

Great jokes everyone! Today, May 5th, is the last day to enter this contest.

Posted:05.05.2016, 11:12

Rat Experiment
-------------------------

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"

"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"

"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.

"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them.
Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful.
Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and
Fourth, there are some things that even a rat won't do."

**Moderator**

This contest is now closed! The winner will be announced soon.

Posted:06.05.2016, 13:01

To everybody....

**Moderator**

Thanks to everyone who posted in the contest! The jokes in this thread are hilarious. Congrats to the contest winner: gjr1961

gjr1961, please check your private messages.

Posted:08.05.2016, 06:28