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PostPosted:15.04.2016, 19:36 Reply with quoteBack to top

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!

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PostPosted:15.04.2016, 21:52 Reply with quoteBack to top

a frog wanted to buy a new car but was short on cash. So he goes to the bank and speaks to Patricia Black, a loan specialist. She tells him she will need collateral for the $40,000 loan he is asking for. So, he pulls a trinket out of his pocket and she tells him, I really don't think I can take a knickknack as collateral for such a large amount but tells him she will get the bank manager. The manager walks into the office and she explains the situation, The manager takes a look at what he is offering as collateral and says ..........wait for it............Well that's a knickknack Patty Black give the frog a loan.
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PostPosted:16.04.2016, 12:35 Reply with quoteBack to top

Laughing HAHAHHAHHA
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PostPosted:16.04.2016, 13:35 Reply with quoteBack to top

Some of Life's Reflections

~Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

~I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

~I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

~I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

~Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you
take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

~Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?

~You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

~I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they will always be locking three of them.

~One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.
If they are OK, then it must be you.

~They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe
your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

~Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife
is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

~A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said,
"Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said
"I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

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PostPosted:16.04.2016, 13:44 Reply with quoteBack to top

Nursing Home

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

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PostPosted:16.04.2016, 13:50 Reply with quoteBack to top

Ole Blue

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

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PostPosted:16.04.2016, 13:57 Reply with quoteBack to top

Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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PostPosted:16.04.2016, 16:25 Reply with quoteBack to top

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison
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PostPosted:19.04.2016, 04:58 Reply with quoteBack to top

A blonde was speeding down the highway, when the blonde traffic cop, pulled her over. The blonde cop asked the blonde speeder for her ID. The blonde speeder searched frantically in her purse. Finally, she found a square mirror from a compact, looked at it, then handed it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop took the mirror, looked at it, handed it back to the blonde speeder and said " I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a policeman. Have a nice day!"
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PostPosted:19.04.2016, 06:02 Reply with quoteBack to top

Jrokay, Welcome1 Welcome to noluckneeded and congrats on your first post!
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PostPosted:19.04.2016, 22:21 Reply with quoteBack to top

Dime

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."

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PostPosted:20.04.2016, 20:29 Reply with quoteBack to top

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PostPosted:26.04.2016, 11:32 Reply with quoteBack to top

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be


so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.


'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.


God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;


God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted:26.04.2016, 18:24 Reply with quoteBack to top

My ex got me arrested cause i used to sit outside his house all day.
He thought i was stalking him but i wasn't, i just had his WiFi code. LoL

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PostPosted:29.04.2016, 12:43 Reply with quoteBack to top

Great jokes everyone! Laughing
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